Holiday half helpings
by Georgiana1234
Summary: On a rainer day than usual in Forks the Cullens revisit a game which they last played for thirty or so years, with good reason.
1. A rainier day than usual

**AN: Bare with me on this one, the fun will begin in the next few chapters.**

Chapter One: A rainier day than usual.

"I'm booooooooooooooored." Wailed Rosalie. Edward was playing the piano serenly Carlisle was reading a newspaper. Esme was decked out in overalls and was repainting one of the walls of the sitting room. Emmett and Jasper were making a card castle. Alice was giggling over a magazine with Bella. Everything was tranquil, calm. Rosalie hated that. They all looked at her and she stared furiously back at them.

"Well . . . there is one thing I've been saving for a rainy day or to be more accurate a day which is more rainy than usual." Carlisle said putting down his newspaper and addressing the room at large. Rosalie rushed over to him and knelt at his feet.

"Please tell us." She pleaded.

"Its a little messy." said Carlisle hesitantly.

"Anything. Anything." Rosalie begged.

"Well. . ." said Carlisle dramatically. "We _could_ play the "Holiday" game." Edward stopped playing and his fingers slipped to a clashing chord that echoed around the cavernous room. Emmett and Jasper's card tower collapsed. Esme turned very quickly and splattered paint across the room. Alice gasped and stared at Carlisle. Bella didn't do anything, she hadn't a clue what the hell was going on.

"The holiday game?" Edward repeated.

"What's that?" Bella asked confusedly.

"We haven't played that since the seventies." said Emmett monotonously staring into to space, his face streaked with horror.

"What are you talking about?" persisted Bella.

"I still have nightmares about. . ." Esme was unable to finish.

"About what." said Bella, frustrated.

"It'll be dangerous."

"What. . .?"

"It'll be daring."

"Why. . .?"

"It might not work."

"What won't. . .?"

"It'll take over the whole house."

Bella didn't have a chance to even start her question when Rosalie jumped to her feet triumphantly shouting "Let's do it!"

"What is it?" said Bella also jumping to her feet.

"I'm only playing if I get to be with Carlisle." Said Esme and shuddered. ". . .and if we cut out bonfire night."

"But it's no fun if we cut out bonfire night." wailed Emmett.

"Well we'll just have to replace it." said Edward calmly.

"With what?" Rosalie asked grumpily.

"I'll think of something." Said Carlisle and he stood up. "I'll go and prepare the hat, you lot explain the game to Bella." He instructed.

The Cullens nodded simultaneously and Rosalie grinned.

Bella sat on Edwards lap on the biggest sofa in the gigantic room, the Cullens were gathered around her.

"So let's get this straight." Said Bella meeting the eyes of all six vampires gathered around her. "We each get a room and five hours to set up a holiday in which the rest of the players will spend half an hour." Everyone nodded. "What holidays?" she asked.

"That all depends on what Carlisle decides." said Alice nodding towards the kitchen door. "Christmas, Valentine's day, Easter, that sort of thing."

"That sounds innocent enough." said Bella happily. Edward grimaced and hugged her tighter to him.


	2. The hat

Chapter Two: The hat.

Carlisle emerged five minutes later holding a Victorian looking top cat. The Cullens looked at each other nervously.

"Ladies first." said Carlisle offering the hat to Bella.

"Hey we're ladies." said Rosalie gesturing towards Alice and Esme.

"Let me rephrase." said Carlisle with a cool smile. "Human ladies first."

Rosalie folded her arms and grumbled. Bella stepped forward and dipped her hand into the hat.

"Maybe Bella and I should go together." Edward put in quickly, not taking his eyes off the hat.

"No fair!" said Alice. "Bella needs to experience this herself Edward."

Edward let out a small growl and glared at Alice, Bella merely grinned at her.

Bella's fist closed over a small scrap of paper and she drew it out. She unfurled it and the Cullens gathered around her. Bella's eyes widened.

"Easter?" said Bella, disbelieving. Carlisle handed her a twenty dollar note.

"You have five hours Bella good luck." He said gravely. Bella thought they were maybe taking this a little seriously and then remembered the games day they had once had. Seven highly competitive vampires playing monopoly, not so fun. She hurried out the door to see if she could find any Easter eggs in the middle of July.

It was Carlisle and Esme next.

"Christmas!" screamed Esme excitedly.

"No fair! That's the best one." Everyone yelled simultaneously.

"Too bad." Carlisle said triumphantly and handed Esme a twenty. "Quick get my study." He muttered conspiratorially to his team mate. She rushed upstairs.

Emmett was next. He pulled out:

"Yes! Halloween!" he screamed and started jumping around the room.

Rosalie whispered something in his ear and Carlisle raised a perfectly arched eyebrow.

"Good point, surprisingly I'd forgotten about that." He said to her and turned to Emmett. "Emmett, pick again."

Emmett's face fell.

"Oh come on Carlisle, that was along time ago, I won't do it again, I've learnt my lesson." Carlisle just held out the hat to him and he gave in. Rosalie grinned.

"St. Patrick's day." Said Emmett dejectedly and glared at Rosalie. He grabbed the twenty in Carlisle's hand, slouched into the kitchen and slammed the door. There was a moment silence and then Rosalie stepped forward to take a piece of paper from the hat.

"Valentines day." Said Rosalie emotionlessly, took twenty dollars and ran upstairs.

Edward picked out Halloween and seemed delighted.

And then there were two.

"Ladies first." said Alice to Jasper and he glared at her. Carlisle looked from one to the other worriedly. There were three seconds pause and then they both dived for the hat. They both held a slip of paper.

"Lent." said Jasper dispassionately. "What the hell is this Carlisle?"

"Well Lent is-"started Carlisle.

"I know what Lent is but why is this in the hat?"

"I ran out of ideas." said Carlisle defensively.

"Well I call this room." Said Jasper pointing to the floor glowered at Alice. Alice let out a scream of anger.

"No fair." She yelled and pounced on him. Carlisle backed away from them and ran upstairs to his study, throwing forty dollars at the couple who were furiously locked in combat. Without pausing to find out Alice's he set the timer on his watch to five hours and it had begun.


	3. Five hours later

Chapter Three: Five Hours later

Five hours later the Cullens gathered in front of the house and the first thing that struck them all as they gazed round the circle was the clothes that each person/vampire was wearing.

Bella stood unashamedly in a playboy bunny suit complete with basket and tail. Edward stared at her with a mixed expression on his face that portrayed disgust but also amusement. Bella, seeing him examining her white fishnets and knee high boots, winked at him turned around and wagged her tail. Edward was not sure if he approved of that.

"Where did you get that from?" said Edward frowning at her, he thought he should have seen it before if it belonged to her.

"Rosalie lent it to me." Bella answered with a smile and Rosalie grinned at him.

"Your welcome." She whispered happily to a rather startled Edward next to her.

Edward the pumpkin king himself had a completely black tux on complete with black shirt. He wore white gloves and a rather tall top hat. But was most strange was what he had on his face. He had covered the whole thing in white powder; there were black rings around his amber eyes and black lipstick on his perfect lips.

"You look like jack out of the nightmare before Christmas." Commented Emmett cheerfully. In answer Edward ran around the circle very fast screaming.

"I am the PUMPKIN KING."

"Right. . ." said Emmett but he himself didn't look any less weird. He was dressed head to foot in green, a green top hat perched precariously on his head. It would have blinded Rosalie if she hadn't been wearing heart-shaped pink sunglasses. She also wore a pink, crocheted poncho, pink jeans and a pair of pink platform shoes which looked harder to walk in than Edward's pointed black leather shoes.

Carlisle and Esme had gone for a traditional elf and Santa Claus. Alice wore a smart suit and top hat much like the one Edward wore but she had a fake beard plastered to her perfect chin. She had done a shocking job of it as well, Jasper could see the sellotape.

And then everyone turned to Jasper proudly sporting a pair of navy blue boxers and . . .nothing else.

"What are you wearing." asked Esme, agog.

"Nothing much." said Jasper cockily leaning against the wall of the house.

"We can see that." Alice muttered angrily.

Jasper just grinned and led the way into the house.


	4. Valentines day

Chapter Four: Valentine's day.

Rosalie insisted on going first and the group of quite frankly incredibly odd looking people traipsed after her.  
Edward was slightly concerned when Rosalie stopped at his door.

"Rosalie you haven't done it in my. . ." but before he could finish Rosalie had flung the door open to reveal a wonderland of hearts, pink and all thing fluffy. Everyone bustled in hurriedly except Edward how just sank to his knees staring at the pink velvet draped walls, the heart shapes she had (by the looks of it) painted onto his beautiful cream carpet, the giant pile of teddy's that replace his CD shelf. But the thing that most shocked him was what she had down to his sofa.

"Welcome to the sofa-boat ride of love." Said Rosalie in a silky voice to her mesmerized audience and gesturing to the now hulled sofa which sat against the wall with a curved sign hanging above it. She had turned Edward's $2000 sofa into the hull of a boat. "Who would like to go first?" asked Rosalie serenely, ignoring Edward's whimpers as he went to stand next to Bella, a tortured look on his face. Alice dragged the half naked Jasper into the "boat", Rosalie flicked a switch on Edward's now glitter covered stereo and some sickly sweet music flouted idly through the room.

"I was spoilt for choice." Rosalie said happily to Bella. "I had no idea how many lovey-dovey songs Edward owned." Bella giggled as Edward started to curse under his breath behind her.

"So. . ." said Rosalie to the happy couple in the boat. ". . .Jasper, what did you get Alice for Valentines?" Jasper stared at Rosalie blankly.

"Yeah Jasper what did you get me?" Alice said excitedly, bouncing up and down in her seat. Jasper looked around desperately.

"Well." There was a pause where Alice frowned slightly at her husband. "I didn't think we needed to bring gifts. Alice's face grew dark as a thundercloud, she scoped up her fake beard which she had taken off for the moment (it got itchy after a while) and stormed out, Jasper following at a distance yelling apologies.

Rosalie giggled to herself and turned her attentions to Edward.

"And what about you Edward?" she asked him in a sickly sweet voice. "What have you got for your lady. . .I mean bunny friend." Edward looked down into Bella's anxious eyes.

"I know that Bella doesn't like gifts so I decided not to express my love with a hollow meaningless gesture." With that her scooped Bella off her feet with her turning scarlet and gave her a kiss.

"EDWARD!!!" Rosalie screamed. "Don't undermine my holiday. It's all about hollow meaningless gestures."

"I thought it was about love." Said Carlisle hugging his elf close to him (with difficulty I might add as they were separated by all the pillows in the Cullen house stuffed up his Santa suit.)

"Well shall we dance." Said Esme, trying to save the situation as Alice's furious shouts drifted along the corridor. Carlisle nodded to her and they started waltzing around the room in time to the soppy music. Emmett took Rosalie's hand and they did the same. Edward looked around to find Bella but there was no one there. He found her in the first broom cupboard he tried. She had obviously sprinted out at even the mention of that dreaded word.

"Oh. . .Edward." she said from her crouched position in the dark. "I was just, looking for. . ." she grabbed a bucket to her left. "This bucket, oh there we go I've found it." She stood up and made to walk past Edward but he blocked her way. He took her hand in his and the pumpkin king and the Easter bunny started gliding elegantly along the immaculate corridor.  
After about five minutes Rosalie called the couples back into Edward's room and made an announcement.

"We are going to play, spin the bottle." She said triumphantly. "Bella, you go first." Edward glared at her and hugged Bella closer. They all sat down in a circle and Bella leaned tentatively forward to spin the dusty wine bottle in the centre. It spun round very fast for a moment and then stopped on. . . Jasper. Everyone was silent. Rosalie nudged Jasper forward and he crawled towards Bella reluctantly. Both shot a apologetic look towards their partners (though Alice did not receive hers as she was staring off in a different direction as though Jasper didn't exist.) and Jasper gave Bella a shy peck on her cheek. Of course Rosalie wasn't standing for that.

"Come on guys, you can do better than that." She said disappointedly. There was a tense silence and Jasper leaned forward again and brushed his lips against Bella's for the briefest of moments. Rosalie seemed satisfied.

"Rosalie?" said Carlisle carefully. She nodded at him. "Isn't the point of this holiday to bring people together?" Rosalie didn't answer she just handed the bottle to Jasper who spun it round so fast that it became a blur against the glitter spattered carpet. After a few minutes it slowed and landed on . . . Alice. She glanced down at it and grimaced. Giving Jasper a look of defiance she turned resolutely on the spot and stuck her nose in the air. To be honest everyone (including Alice.) had completely forgotten why she was mad at Jasper by this point. Jasper grinned at her, she was cornered. He crawled forward spun her round by the shoulders and leaned in. From somewhere in the corner a timer buzzed. None the less Jasper grabbed Alice in a passionate kiss. Bella turned red and looked away politely. Rosalie sighed with relief and removed her rose tinted glasses.

"Shall we move on?" said Edward giving Alice and Jasper a look of utter disgust at such a public show of affection. Alice did not seem to give a damn anymore; she melted into Jasper's bare arms, the fake beard hanging from her face.

"Oo! Oo! Us next!" said Esme excitedly. Carlisle grinned and led them all down a flight of stairs, Jasper carrying Alice who was keeping him locked in a passionate embrace.

**AN: So there's chapter four. Somehow I get the feeling that Rosalie enjoyed wrecking Edward's room more than Valentine's day itself. . .poor Edward. . .poor Edward's sofa. . . sigh. Well hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love reviews! **

**Georgiana. **


	5. Christmas

**AN: Thank you for being patient on this one, I'm surprised that I haven't had angry emails because I have been a bit absent from the fanfiction sight these past few weeks so soz about that. **

**Oh and I do mention Bella ball in this chapter, for those who don't know it feel free to check out "Bella ball" and find out more because it does appear in some of my other fan fictions. Good this is a long author's note, I'll bugger off now. Enjoy!**

Chapter Five: Christmas

The Cullens reached Carlisle's study, there was a humungous reef hanging on the door and the doorway was hung with tinsel and candy canes. Bella, despite herself, was really exited. Esme was almost quivering with anticipation; she gripped the tinsel door knob and flung the door open. The Cullen's jaws dropped, it was a Christmas wonderland. Carlisle rushed past everyone to sit in a gigantic armchair that was also adorned with decorations of all types, pulling his beard down over his mouth as he went. Esme skipped along to join him and held her arms up in an elf like fashion.

"I present (she giggled) to you, Santa Claus." She said in a high pitched voice. Carlisle beckoned them forward. The Cullens knew that he meant to look friendly and welcoming but frankly he looked pretty scary and they all took a step back, all of them that is except Alice who was standing at the front of the pack and consequently did not notice the traitorous retreating ranks behind her. She looked around her frantically and then her face grew dark.

"That wasn't cliché at all." She mumbled being bustled forward by a madly gleaming Esme. I shrugged and went back to my note pad. She clambered onto Santa's knee and Esme took a picture of them, she seamed pleased even though Alice's face was a dark as the suit that she wore. She folded her arms and pulled down her fake beard also so that only her eyes were visible.

"So what would you like this Christmas little girl." Carlisle beamed. At this Alice actually attempted to climb off his lap but it isn't easy to get away from a vampire as I'm sure most of you know, I certainly do, but that's another story.

"I am not a little girl." She said grumpily but spoilt the effect slightly by swinging her legs slightly and adding "But I want a Porsche, a big yellow one with black leather seats, as I made clear to a certain someone." She shot a hideous glare at Edward who started to whistle perfectly in tune. Have you ever seen a pumpkin king whistling? Well let me tell you it's hard to keep a straight face. ". . .who got me a screw driver set." Edward shuffled his feet and mumbled something about equal presents.

"You got Bella a diamond encrusted watch!" said Rosalie who had heard his mumblings. "Not that I didn't like my manual on 101 things to do before you die." Edward smiled to himself. "I wouldn't have minded…" she continued. "...but I've done most of them." And she too crossed her arms and went to sit on Carlisle's knee.

"I want…" she began but Alice interrupted her.

"I wasn't finished."

"Tough, you've had your say." Rosalie said and pushed Alice off Carlisle's knee. This set two events in motion. The first was the crashing down on the gigantic Christmas tree and subsequently the entire roomful of lights becoming dragged down with them and the second was the fight. Not many people are willing to comment on "the fight" after it was over and as Esme put it when I asked her for an accurate account of what happened as she was the only one with an unimpeded view "Let's not dwell on such horrible things cookie anyone?" I myself was unfortunately lodged quite securely under the monstrous pile of splintered wood and splattered baubles so I can not tell you truthfully what happened, I can only tell you what I heard.

"AH GET OFF I CAN'T…"

"OUCH!"

"BELLA, HAS ANYONE SEEN BELLA?" (This is only a mad stab in the dark but I'm guessing this was Edward.)

"OH, WHO CARES ABOUT BELLA, GIVE ME BACK MY STILLETTO."

"Hey!"

"ALICE CULLEN DON'T YOU DARE!"

"JASPER PLEASE CALM THEM DONE!"

"I'M TRYING BUT AHHHHHH!"

"BELLA, I REALLY DO NEED TO FIND. . .bella. Never mind she's here."

"Edward!"

Large crashing sound.

"Bella I can't breathe."

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BREATHE YOU OVER SIZED DING BAT!"

"EVERYONE SHUTUP!"

"I HAVE BAUBLE DONE MY SHIRT!"

"STOP IT ROSALIE, ALICE GET OFF HER. CARLISLE DO SOMETHING."

"HO HO HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS."

"SOMETHING USEFUL!!!"

"OH RIGHT. EVERYONE ONE OUT OR NO BELLA BALL FOR A YEAR!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS BELLA BALL?"

"OH YOU IDIOT CARLISLE!"

"WELL I MEAN IT!"

Silence except for panting sounds and the odd tinkling of a falling bauble or sparking Christmas light. I could hear Carlisle's voice again.

"Right everyone out of here." His voice was followed by a series of clambering sounds and I managed to break free from the rubble and follow the out of the destroyed room. The Cullens lined up again the wall opposite Carlisle's study waiting patiently for the lecture.

"Right, who's next?" said Carlisle cheerfully clapping his hands together.

"You mean we're carrying on?" Rosalie asked tentatively.

"Yes, why not? We carried on when Emmett nearly burnt the house to the ground with his supposedly 'indoor' fireworks." Emmett looked at his shoes wondering how many millennium it would be till Carlisle forgot about this particular incident.

"Me next!" said Edward "I am the PUMPKIN KING."

"YES WE KNOW!" screamed Rosalie, she still seamed rather touchy. Edward skipped ahead of them doing a sort of mad dance which included incredibly long movement of his limbs. Alice smiled at Bella.

". .. and he's your boyfriend." Bella who had been smiling adoringly at her pumpkin king missed Alice's condescending tone.

"Yes, I know isn't he fabulous?" she smiled and followed Edward, her bunny clad form dancing along with him.

**AN: Sorry if this is a little short but I am currently working on the sequel to "I vent to suck your blood" which will not be set in the vent (fortunately for me because Rosalie would have ripped my head off) but never mind about that. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and please review**.


	6. Halloween

Chapter Six: Halloween

Rosalie was confused, why was Edward heading towards her room? Why was there a large bat painted in orange on the now black surface of her door and who had hung those stupid fake spiders over the door frame like that? It can't have been Edward; he knew perfectly well what would happen to him if he's used….Rosalie gasped.

"You didn't!" her face was darker than Edward's as he stopped right infront of her and Emmett's room. Edward grinned.

"A certain someone warned me of your little trick missy!" Edward patted Alice on the shoulder and Alice pulled her beard right up to the brim of her hat so that Rosalie couldn't see the look of horrific fear she now wore. "I thought I'd give you a taste of your own medicine." And with that he flung open the door and Rosalie screamed. "Welcome…"he paused for effect. "…to the realm of THE PUMPKIN KING!!!" he threw back his head and cackled as all the Cullens cautiously entered his domain, except Rosalie of course who stormed in.

"Wh…wh…what…?" for once she was lost for words. It was no longer the pristine clean paradise she had left this afternoon. The milky white walls had been replaced by gigantic velvet drapes which brushed where Rosalie's priceless cream carpet had once lay but now was covered with dark mahogany boards. The beautiful landscape photographs that had hung in pride of place above the mantelpiece were gone and in their place hung three portraits of rather ugly looking men all of which were smiling horribly. Bella backed away from them into Emmett who tripped backwards over the large jet black coffin which replaced their beautifully crafted bed.

"Erm…Edward?" Emmett whispered to the pumpkin king as he clambered up from his place on the floor and the rest of the Cullens admired the cobwebs on a gigantic and rather dusty Victorian mirror which stood in one corner replacing a large cabinet that had stood there before.

Edward raised an eyebrow.

"You may call me…" He raised his cloak to his face to conceal the bottom half of it. "…your majesty!" and with one long elegant movement he came to stand at Emmett's shoulder. Bella clapped.

"Eh…yeah…your majesty…"Emmett continued. "Is there any chance that we can get our stuff back after this, I mean I do have to live here too?" Edward winked which could have meant anything but he seamed to think it was all the answer he needed to give because he swept away to join the others. Bella, who was perched on the coffin, sighed. Emmett looked round; she had a dreamy expression on her face. "You aren't creeped out by this?" he asked, mystified. Bella looked at him, startled out of her daze.

"Oh, no!" She said happily. "Actually…" she looked back at Edward, cocking her head angelically to one side. "…I might even prefer him like this."

"Right…" Emmett said and backed away from her, joining Edward and Rosalie under the mantle piece.

"Where did my photographs go?" Rosalie fumed. Edward winked at her obviously. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Rosalie was not as easily satisfied as Emmett. "Who are these weirdos anyway?" she said disgustedly peering at the three disfigured loons.

"These…" Edward said and paused. "…are your relatives." He examined her face as it went from disbelief to disgust to wonderment.

"They can't be" she snorted and leaned in to get a closer look.

"They are! I looked you up and then traced back your family tree a couple of generations." said the self-satisfied pumpkin king, crossing his arms. Rosalie's mouth opened and closed a couple of times like a fish, desperate for water.

It was at this moment that Alice went to sit next to Bella on the coffin. Bell was staring at the ceiling.

"What is it?" Alice asked, also staring up at the ceiling.

"Those lanterns…" Bella mused, not taking her eyes off the pumpkin shaped lights up above them. "I was just thinking…" Alice finished her sentence.

"How much fun it would be to swing on them."

Bella turned to look at her. "Yup! Help me get up on top of this thing." She yanked off her stilettos and steadied herself on Alice's shoulders, reaching out to grab the first swinging lantern that hung inches above her head. She jumped up, grabbing hold of it with both hand, her feet still firmly on the coffin. Alice did the same, but with slightly more ease.

Carlisle, Esme and Jasper watched this little scene calmly.

"Should we tell Edward?" said Esme worriedly.

"Nah." Mused Carlisle and leant against the drape hung walls lazily.

"Oh three!" Alice said excitedly. "One…two…three!" She screamed the last number and the two girls flew threw the air, Alice grabbing the next lantern with the skill of a trapeze artist, Bella also leaping to the next light but with a little less grace.

"Bella!" said Emmett, Edward and Rosalie in unison.

"Yes?" cried Bella, turning her head towards them and missing the next lantern.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" she screamed as she hurtled towards the silky walls, grabbing onto the fabric.

Edward had never been that brilliant at D.I.Y. Many times he had taken workshops and classes and woodwork courses but it had never really helped. If you don't believe me check out Bella's desk which Edward had "fixed" for her and now could hold the weight of a very small pencil before collapsing in on itself. Consequently it was not surprising to the Cullens when the heavy drapes, which Edward had fixed up with what can only be described as bluetak, came crashing down. Not surprising to the Cullens, but very surprising to Bella.

Bella screamed as she hurtled round the room, bringing down every scrap of curtain on increasingly white walls until finally she collapsed into Edward's arms. She breathed a sigh of relief and flung her arms round his neck. Meanwhile the rest of the Cullens lay in crumpled heaps under the large piles of velvet, all except Alice of course who still hung limply from her lantern. Edward set Bella down on her feet and she picked up her stilettos which were lying next to the fabric silk coffin.

"Well…" said Esme decisively as she clambered out from underneath Carlisle (Ooh er) "I think Halloween is cancelled." Edward's face fell.

" Awww." He groaned as they traipsed out. "…and I didn't even get to scare anyone." Bella looked up into his sorrow ridden eyes.

"That's not true!" she said and closed the door behind her. "You scared me!" Edward chuckled and put his arm around her.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed that chapter but it really wasn't the most exciting one I've ever written. Anyway, please review! Every little helps!**


	7. Lent

**AN: Hope you enjoy Jasper's holiday, he is as manic as ever he is in my fanfictions, soz to jasper fans******.

Chapter Seven: Lent

Jasper led them down into the cavernous living room and with the are of a showman introducing his bestselling act he gestured triumphantly. The Cullens blinked but said nothing. Jasper, looking slightly disappointed gestured again adding jazz hands. Nothing.

Bella was the first to speak.

"What?"

"What what?" Jasper asked.

"What is this what?" Bella said exasperatedly.

"What?!?"

She sighed.

"What I think Bella means…" Edward said, acting as interpreter for Bella speak as he so often did. "is that well…there's nothing here jasper."

Jasper rolled his eyes; he might have known his genius would be lost on these mere immortals (and one mortal).

"It's lent duh! You have to give stuff up!"

"So we're what, giving up the furniture?" Asked Rosalie angrily. "I'm sorry Jasper but I'm not gonna sit on the floor for half an hour just cos you got a lousy holiday, you're just punishing us." Jasper's eye twinkled and Alice giggled. (You wouldn't think vampires giggle but they do in my fanfictions baby!)

"Come on guys; get into the spirit of the holiday!" Jasper sat on the ground. "Let's make a circle of self sacrifice." He said it like he had just proposed a trip to the beach. They sat down and jasper grinned. "So…Carlisle what are you giving up?"

Carlisle, who by this time would have killed someone to for some non-synthetic clothing said. "I'm gonna give up my suit." Jasper furrowed his brow as Carlisle started to strip.

"Anything else?"

"Nope." Carlisle threw the stuffing in the middle of the circle and sat down again, now only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts (somewhere some Carlisle fangirls died of excitement.)

"Very well…"Jasper moved on but not before he had given Carlisle the eyebrow of shame. "Esme…"

"I'm gonna give up…hmm it's difficult."

"How about your wedding ring?" Jasper said mischievously.

"Oh no I couldn't do that." She held it out and cocked her head to one side. "It's too precious."

"That is what this holiday is all about Esme!" Jasper intoned in his vicar voice. "repentance and self sacrifice now give it to me!" Esme gave him a look which would have put an injured kitten to shame.

"But…"

"Are you arguing with the Lent lord Esme?"

"No of course I'm not…hang on the what excuse me?"

"The lent lord!!!"

"No I don't think so…who is he?" There was a pause where Jasper drew himself up to his full height.

"I am! And those who disobey me will sit in the corner of shame and extravagancy!"

"The what?" Rosalie said, bemused. Jasper pointed to a pink paper Mache chair with several flashing lights attached to it and what looked like a bucket balanced on the top

Esme, looking wary dropped her ring into jasper's palm and he laughed manically.

"This is Emo elf all over again!" Bella whispered to Edward who nodded.

"Power hungry!" Edward whispered

"Oh really!" said Jasper, his eyes quite literally popping. "And what are YOU going to give up for lent…Edward!" the last word was quiet, ominous.

"I've already given up my piano isn't that enough?"

"Oh no Edward that was forced upon you, you must also give up something by choice or you shall be smighted or electrocuted or whatever happens…" he trailed off into uncertainty.

"Oh yeah by who?" Jasper made a face which looked like he was trying to pass a melon and pointed to the ceiling. "What the ceiling painter?" Jasper scoughed and shook his head.

"Him, you know, the big man, the guy in the sky, the father, he who sits on a cloud. G-O-D!"

"Have you even read the bible jasper?" Carlisle intoned sceptically. He shook his head. "Well I have and at no point is anyone…how did you put it? Smighted."

"Yes well…that doesn't mean it won't happen! Anyway that is beside the point, what are you giving up for lent oh ginger one!" Edward ignored the dig and unbuttoned his shirt.

"I suppose I'll give up my costume as well." Jasper laughed superiorly.

"Do you think that's enough?" Edward frowned.

"What else is there to take?"

"Oh I think you know." He jerked his head and Edward gasped.

"No!" he nearly shouted it, clutching Bella against him. "No!"

"Edward it's only for half an hour." Esme whispered worriedly.

"No, no, no!"

"Yes!" Jasper whispered madly and he grabbed Bella, needless to say she had no say in this, setting her down next to a cardboard box none of them had noticed before.

"You planned this!" Edward said angrily as jasper lowered her into the box, fastening the lid and pushing it back into the circle of self sacrifice. Edward pawed at the box and a finger appeared from a whole in the box which joined his. They connected in a mournful farewell as the finger withdrew. Esme turned away.

"I can't watch!"

"Right." Ignoring this show of patheticness Jasper moved on. "As I think we can assume that Bella has given up Edward and well all light and possibly air I think we'll carry on, Alice?"

"I'm gonna give up…" she looked around guiltily. "…my gel."

"Alice, I didn't know you used gel." Jasper said, frowning.

"It's not like I have any choice."

"But it's so...icky." Rosalie said, disgusted.

"You mustn't judge me Rosie, you don't know what it's like, you can't know what it's like having flat, uninteresting hair. Having to sit up right on every chair so that your hair doesn't droop."

"Oh Alice I never knew." Esme shook her head disbelievingly.

"But Alice…"

"No!" Alice stood up looking highly manic. "I won't be embarrassed anymore, I'm tired of living a lie, I don't have spiky pixie hair I'm as flat as a tyre which has been run over Edward's nose."

"It's not THAT pointy." Edward whipped out a hand mirror and started twiddly with his nose, his brow furrowed. Bella poked her pinkie out reassuringly.

"Well not anymore! My name is Alice Cullen!" she whipped off her top hat to reveal a straight bob. "And I have flat hair!!!"

"Yeah…Alice." Emmett tugged her closer. "Nobody cares." Looking a little embarrassed Alice sat back down and replaced her top cat, throwing a little blue tub of hair gel into the middle of the pile. It landed on the box and there was a yelp from inside. Jasper winked at Alice.

"Right, Emmett!" Emmett was fiddling with something inside his bright green jacket. "What's that?"

"Nothing!" he said defensively and tried to tuck it away in his inside pocket but Rosalie grabbed it.

"Carol Vaudaman's Pocket Su doku? Emmett what is this?"

"Alright!" Emmett grabbed back the little electronic handset. "My name is Emmett Cullen and I'm a Sudokuholic." Rosalie patted him on the back.

"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." She whispered to Emmett, prying the device out of his hand with difficulty and throwing it into the middle. "Just something they taught me at alcoholics anonymous."

"What!?" The Cullens chorused, apparently this was news to them.

"Nothing, shall we get on with the holiday please we don't have much time left."

"But Rosalie…you haven't said what YOU'RE giving up yet!" Jasper said in hushed tones.

"WHAT?" Bella said loudly from inside the box.

"SHE SAID "BUT ROSALIE…YOU HAVEN'T SAID WHAT YOU'RE GIVING UP YET! JASPER SAID IN HUSHED TONES!" Emmett shouted, banging on the box.

"Thanks!"

"I'm not giving up anything!" Rosalie said smugly. "You can't make me, besides the times nearly gone."

"Then there is nothing for it! You shall have to sit in the chair of self indulgence."

"I thought you said it was called the…" Alice cut in.

"Never mind what it is called." Jasper grabbed Rosalie who struggled but he slung her over his back like a sack of potatoes and threw her into the chair fastening straps around her in the chair.

"Big whoop, I can break those easily!"

"Not these ones, they're made of…synthetic fabric!" Rosalie gasped.

"Get them off me, get them off me, I won't touch them!!!!"

"Not before you face your punishment."

"What's that?"

"GUUUUUUUNGE!"

"What? You know jasper people who break lent don't get gunged, people who go onto Saturday morning kids television get gunged! You're just making up rules so you can gunge people!" Rosalie squirmed.

"And you just like saying gunge!" Jasper taunted, Rosalie didn't deny it ( it is fun actually, gunge gunge gunge gunge although every time I type it a little red line appears underneath which makes me die inside a little bit each time  )

Jasper grabbed the chord.

"Three two one!" the gunge spilled onto Rosalie head, drenching her in purple and yellow gloop. She screamed and wriggled. Ahhhhh.

"What happened, what happened!" Bella exclaimed poking at the box to try and make a peep whole on the other side.

"Rosalie just got gunged." Carlisle repressed a smile.

"Oooooo, let me see, let me see!"

"Shut up Bella!" Rosalie howled.

"Emmett, what are you doing?" Alice exclaimed.

"Nothing!"

"Are you…? You are, give me that su doku right now!!!"

"But I only need one more line!"

"No Emmett, you said you'd quit!!" Alice leapt on him, straining o reach the little scrap of newspaper in his hand while in the corner Rosalie clawed at Jasper.

"This is the time I would usually sigh, fold me newspaper up and retire to my study." Carlisle said, with an are of melancholy.

And then the timer buzzed.

**AN: Hope you like the chapter ******** it's quite long by my standards. Just to let you know that I am going to be doing more writing in the future so I don't think there will be such a long period of absence. Sorry to all my devoted fans!!! You guys rock!**

**Pleas review!**

**P.S. I have just added gunge to my word dictionary so it recognises it now, yay!**


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